I think the most challenging experience for me was also my most important. I referenced in another post on ethics and care I was on L and MDMA in a gay trance club in Amsterdam after college. I was working though internalized homophobic insecure sexist shit, realizing false constructs of gender and identity that bind and warp us energetically. As part of this process, I entered a paranoid space where I was going to be raped, which on one level I knew wasn’t true, but on another I went deep into it, and then was like wow geez what’s the best way through this karmically for all involved… and I was like, just surrender so they don’t sin more then they need too! and bam died into the Love and Light at the heart of existence, embraced by a Goddess visage in the dark. Came out of that a bit bemused, well you made a good choice in your highly paranoid state.
Then I was grappling with my relationship crisis… I saw the deep harm I had done to my then girlfriend out of jealousy for her awesome adventures erotic and otherwise traveling for 9 months junior year of college. We hadn’t been together that long before and then a year later after now I was in this club at a crisis point in our relationship… in the medicine space I saw clearly how I had cut her down by a 1000 subtle unconscious cuts when she returned to my small college world, out of jealousy and petty insecure smallness… I could see and feel her being so beautiful flowing in Asia, her Eros and Compassion, and I was like wow, better you die then be in the way of her Light!… and as I fell away from assaulting her was embraced by her into the mega Light again through the visage of the Goddess in the dark…. infinite Love and forgiveness, self forgiveness, so awesome to be in the Light.
When I exited this time I was like holy shit my grandad (Dr. Bronner) was totally right, all the faith traditions at their best are pointing at this source reality God/dess Love, when not making idols out of beliefs and demonizing each other. But then I was like wait so that’s awesome but then why God are there people being murdered and raped and all kinds of horrible shit while I’m dancing here right now, how does that go together? And then I was microscoped to nothing but connected to the Self of All that was doing and living dying rebirthing suffering crucifying resurrecting on the on beyond…. GodSelf can do be to Self whatever Self wants… I am that I am, but GodSelf suffers and feels it all, not inflicts from somewhere else. And then I saw Jesus stepping into the maelstrom, with calm compassion and grace, not trying to explain it or complain about it, and I was like, I want to be like that! I want to get down and serve that’s the path! And was I think in the Light again, happened a few times, and I should say that my heart chakra was blowing open each time and I was also rubbing my heart in circles and very much felt the kundalini surge to my head and explode in Light.
But the last time was right after this, a gay man I’d had a nice connection with at a cannabis coffee shop was cross dressed and dancing beautifully and introduced herself as Helena … prior he’d shared he was a prostitute who had been trafficked as a kid. I unfortunately took the tack that I didn’t need to engage and dance with her cuz I just had gotten blown wide open and married to my then girlfriend on the mega level. Wrong answer son! and was back in the hole, which was an ongoing dynamic of being in the Light and then a new challenge / wrong answer back in the hole then opening my heart surrendering dying into the Light, each time the visage of the Goddess in the dark embracing me into the Light. So I’m in the hole again with Helena, and I was like dude why would you not get down and embrace anyone coming to you with love joy in their hearts? and Kabam the light and Love exploded again!
I should also relay I was in such a paranoid universe state that I felt like everyone ever in my life was waiting for me to wake the f up and finally I had! I was looking around the club for my then girlfriend friends parents etc… kind of like the end of the movie the Game which is amazing highly recommended metaphor of a psychedelic death rebirth journey.
It took years to fully integrate this most amazing and challenging experience that set me on my path, and the truth is I still will have additional insights. Of all the things I’ve read I’ve found Jungian insight most helpful… my soul anima /animus was projecting onto my girlfriend, what I was doing to her was/is what I was doing to my ownmost liberated Eros soul. And Helena was my soul too showing my own fully liberated self in the Divine Queer dimension… and embracing her inwardly I embraced my own soul. Jesus too I suppose, who also tho was the second part of the answer to the question why does it suck so hard? that’s unknowable, but at our best we’re that part of the divine mystery that’s incarnate and can choose to serve the Light and make a heaven on Earth, and work to stop the trauma violence suffering oppression we rain down on one another in the cycles of violence through the generations. “The arc of history is long but bends toward justice.”
I’ve also resonated to the arc of the Eleusinian mysteries that resonate to the Christian mysteries of death rebirth and self-sacrificing love, playing all the roles of crucified / crucifier, raped / rapist, swallowed and in the world of sin / hell and choosing to self-sacrifice that leads to regenerating resurrecting love. I’ve realized other mega people and beings in my life like my kid, my dad, Mia, and a cosmic Rasta Aslan lion heart have also carried my soul’s energy and being on other medicine experiences, and are also my soul showing up in different archetypal guises, always with the energy of liberated joy love compassion. And I still semi-routinely have very challenging, big and difficult experiences too, often just really difficult!